Endurance Test: Diamond Cobra vs the White Fox

I'm trying something new. I'm gonna start writing some deep dive joints in bad cinema. Let's start big with this:

Awhile ago, I watched a movie called "Diamond Cobra vs The White Fox". And, I very badly need to talk about it. This will be *very* long, but it HAS to be done.

Writing about bad movies can be fun. And, I don't mean the cynical piles of gruel Hollywood pumps out regularly. I'm talking about movies that come from a sincere place. A lot of times, it’s easier to gravitate towards negativity rather than positivity, and it’s more enjoyable to read. I remember writing my “Cats” review, and watching it get passed around for others to read and laugh at. I find it interesting that “bad” reviews end up more popular than good ones.

Is this why people read a site like “Pitchfork”? Is this why film geeks actively anticipate the next takedown from “Red Letter Media”? To cynically point and laugh at bad things and fetishistically enjoy watching the detritus get picked at by vultures? I don’t know. I’m not above this myself. I like writing reviews, and a few of my negative reviews are some of the best I’ve ever written.

So, when I sat down to watch a nothing-budget movie called “Diamond Cobra vs The White Fox”, I went in fully expecting to see a hilariously bad movie. Make no mistake, that’s exactly what I got too. This thing is a complete and total disaster from start to finish. But, I have this strange feeling of not only respect but admiration about it. This weird-ass structureless movie is completely baffling and utterly fascinating. It’s the most interesting bad movie I’ve ever seen. Let me explain why…

Let’s start with the writer/director/star/vfx artist/composer herself… Deuandra T. Brown. She is a self-described songwriter/filmmaker/actress/model. She proudly (and repeatedly) claims to be a member of the Screen Actors Guild… Something that appears prominently on the box-art, dvd, and end credits of this film. She is nothing if not prolific. Her IMDB page has 40 credits dating from 2010 all the way to right now. An even mix of short films, music videos, and feature length projects pack her resume. In addition, on her bio, she proudly boasts about her appearances in films like “High School Musical 3” and “The Hangover Part III”… Both uncredited, both as extras. That’s not all. She also has her own record label (to which she’s signed) and production company (which produces all her films), and a direct method of distributing her work via a Roku app called “Detaron TV”.

All of this fascinates me. Even watching “Diamond Cobra vs The White Fox”, I see a portrait of an artist desperate to be taken seriously. If you watch the opening credits (which, no bullsh*t, goes on for almost 7 minutes of solid uninterrupted runtime), every one of the credits are her. Deuandra Brown wears lots of hats. Too many, because this film is a mess. Narratively, structurally, visually, etc. It’s hard to even know where to start.

How about with the lead(s) of the film. Which are Deuandra and also Deuandra. She plays not one, not two, but three different characters. One of which is in our utterly baffling prologue (more on that in a bit). The second is as a character named “Diamond”. The other is as “Tarjella”. The plot revolves around two magical necklaces that end up in the hands of our leads. From then on, the movie just kinda plays like a series of non-sequitur scenes plopped on top of each other at random. This film has a stubborn resistance to clarity… Except for one instance…

That our main characters, after getting the necklaces, are blindingly beautiful and/or “hot”. The movie devotes a decent chunk of its runtime to just different people pining for our leads, which happen to be played by the writer/producer/vfx-artist/director/caterer/etc. A lot of this film functions as wish fulfillment for the director, it seems. She’s not only attractive, she’s BEAUTIFUL. She’s not only wealthy, she’s RICH. She’s not only great at everything, she’s AWESOME and TALENTED at EVERYTHING. I understand this. I understand using one’s own art to reframe the perception around oneself. Maybe that’s what she’s doing here… Envisioning a world in which she’s all the things she wants to be in her head.

In this sense, the movie begins to split in focus. See, sometimes bad movies come with good intentions. Other times, they're vehicles fueled entirely by ego and narccisism. "Diamond Cobra vs The White Fox" manages to do both. This feels like a rec center production. Like, someone got all of their friends and family together and made a movie with them. Almost everyone seems like they joined in with the promise of a pizza party. In that sense, you can't help but feel a sense of good natured energy and community radiating from it. I mean, it's OBVIOUS that majority of the cast are not professional actors. So obvious, that it's VERY easy to tell which actors actually are.

They barely stay afloat amongst the endless sea of awkward badly-written dialogue, plug-in VFX that almost certainly came bundled with the latest iMovie, and borderline experimental """"storytelling"""". I don't know if I can, in good conscious, call this film a "story". A story requires logic and structure. Two things this movie never even flirts with. There's no discernable structure to the proceedings. Characters pop in and out at random. They'll show up for a scene, then disappear for no reason. Subplots get introduced, and then almost immediately forgotten about. There's like six different musical montages featuring Deaundra's original (very not good) songs.

She really is the eye of the storm here. The movie opens with a prologue of a Pharaoh in Ancient Egypt (June 20th BC, to be exact) who takes Deaundra as his second wife. But, the first wife is so jealous of Deaundra's immense beauty, she tricks her into wearing the necklace, which (for some reason) turns her into a snake...... Now, this prologue, aside from the necklace, has nothing to do with our movie, so you can forget it. Actually, let's try forgetting it now. I could try to recap what happens in the movie, but it’s nigh-impossible due to the lack of logic and structure.

Like, stuff happens. I’d be hard-pressed to contextualize any of it, because the film itself refuses to provide any context. Our main characters end up f*ghting each other for “reasons”. Plot isn’t really important, though. This film is mainly concerned with “Tarjella” and “Diamond” being absolutely perfect, and amazing, and beautiful, and hot, and rich, and great, and s*xy, and yada yada yada. Diamond pines after some a**hole that looks AT LEAST 10 years younger than her, but he blows her off. She storms into her home, and has an infantile temper tantrum that goes on just long enough to be REALLY uncomfortable. She gets the necklace, and turns “hot”. At which point, that a**hole she likes is actually into her now. And then, she k*lls him with a magical snake that she materializes from her mouth.

Again. No context.

Tarjella gets a far simpler intro. Her “”””storyline”””” takes center focus. She walks around, playing a guitar upside-down, sleeping on cardboard outside, then randomly happens upon a DIFFERENT magical necklace that turns her “hot”. And “rich”. There’s a very VERY long montage of her buying “expensive” clothes from a mall “rainbow” store, then touring an expensive looking empty house that the film wants us to think is her home now. We flashback to her being a domestic abuse victim, and also running a scheme with another homeless person. This morphs into her making “pasta” in a hotel bathroom with no stove with her friend, and then contacting the ghost of her future (white) husband.

I cannot stress this enough… What the fu*k?

There’s other characters… Like a local druglord named BBQ. There’s a mystical whatever dude walking around in a cape named XR. There’s a lady with a fu*kin bedazzled pirate eye-patch (played by Deaundra’s IRL mother). But, none of it means anything, because this awkward blobby whatever-thing doesn’t really have a story to tell. Among the laughably bad VFX, cringey music, sh*t acting, and bizarre “”plot””, what sits at the heart of this thing is a big giant black hole of nothingness. And, the film just wallows in it. This… thing is under 2 hours, but feels WAYYYYY longer due to weird choppy pacing. This…. thing feels lowkey like some outsider art. The kind of thing that might show up on Adult Swim on April Fools Day.

Deaundra, I’m a*suming, feels some type of way about the reception of this thing. I originally learned about it via an episode of RedLetterMedia’s “Best of the Worst”. An episode that is no longer online. I can a*sume Deaundra forced them to take it down. Which is odd, because she previously thanked them for the review on twitter, and then shortly after, made her twitter page private. This seems like a tell, to me. This movie is loudly about nothing, and quietly about wish-fulfillment. All the things she wants to be or thinks she is, that’s the engine powering this sh*t. So, when people make fun of the movie, it’s like making fun of her.

I’m not doubting her talent or the passion Deaundra feels about what she does. I believe she comes from a sincere place with this movie. It’s just this movie is inept in every conceivable way a movie can be inept. Really. The only thing separating this from ineptly made movies is the stunning "cult of personality" that consumes every part of this thing. This is as ego driven as it gets. Only difference is this doesn't feel as cynical as others like it. This is the kind of thing you could watch with friends while drinking, and have a great time. This is the kind of bad movie “The Room” wants to be.