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Workaholic Dad’s Emotional Letter After Finding Out His Son Died While He was Working


 
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 1 week ago '04        #1
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mr_underground|m  2239 heat pts2239
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Workaholic Dad’s Emotional Letter After Finding Out His Son Died While He was Working
 

 
Eight years ago, during the same month, I had twin boys and co-founded Cloudability. About three months ago Cloudability was acquired. About three weeks ago we lost one of our boys.

When I got the call I was sitting in a conference room with 12 people at our Portland office talking about PTO policies. Minutes earlier, I had admitted to the group that in the last 8 years I’d not taken more than a contiguous week off.

My wife and I have an agreement that when one of us calls, the other answers. So when the phone rang I stood up and walked to the conference room door immediately.

I was still walking through the door when I answered with “Hey, what’s up?”

Her reply was icy and immediate: “J.R., Wiley is dead.”

“What?” I responded incredulously.

“Wiley has died.” she reiterated.

“What?! No.” I yelled out, “No!”

“I’m so sorry, I have to call 911.”

That was the entire conversation. The next thing I know I’m sprinting out the front door of the office with my car keys in hand, running ferociously across the street and muttering “oh fu*k. oh fu*k. oh fu*k.”. Half way down the block I realize I don’t have the opener to my parking garage. Running back into the lobby, I all but shout “Someone drive me! Somebody drive me!” Thankfully, a helpful colleague did.

By the time I got home twelve minutes later, our cul-de-sac was packed with emergency vehicles. I sprinted through our open front door and ran straight towards the bedroom that the boys share. One of a half-dozen police officers there stepped in front of me blocking the way. When a child dies suddenly, it becomes a potential crime scene.

It was 2.5 painful hours before I could see my boy. After an hour of waiting in shock out front, I told the armed police officers guarding the doors that I couldn’t wait any longer. They allowed me to go out to the deck facing the kids room to peer through the sliding glass window. He lay in his bed, covers neatly on, looking peacefully asleep. I put my hand on the glass and lost it.

When the medical examiner finally finished his work, we were allowed in the room. An eerie calm came over me. I laid down next to him in the bed that he loved, held his hand and kept repeating, “What happened, buddy? What happened?”

We stayed next to him for maybe 30 minutes and stroked his hair before they returned with a gurney to take him away. I walked him out, holding his hand and his forehead through the body bag as he was wheeled down our driveway. Then all the cars drove away. The last one to leave was the black minivan with Wiley in it.

image

A journal of Wiley’s we found the day after he died.

Wiley was obsessed with starting a business. One day it was a smoothie stand, the next it would be a gallery, then a VR headset company, then a ‘coder’, then a spaceship building company. In each of these scenarios he was the boss. His brother (and sometimes us) were invited to work for—not with— him and were each a*signed jobs. In the gallery scenario, Wiley informed Oliver that he would be manning the cash register.

Around 5 years old, Wiley decided he was going to get married as an adult. By 6 he had identified the girl, holding her hand at recess on the first day of kindergarten. Over the next two years as we moved from Portland to London to Hawaii, he kept in touch with her by handwritten letter. Not long before we moved back to Portland, the two agreed (by letter) to marry. She beat him to the punch and asked him. He accepted. Happily, he got to see her twice after we moved back to Portland in June.

One of the countless difficult moments of this month was signing his death certificate. Seeing his name written on the top of it was hard. However, two fields further down the form crushed me. The first said: “Occupation: Never worked” and the next: “Marital Status: Never married”. He wanted so badly to do both of those things. I feel both fortunate and guilty to have had success in each.

Over the last three weeks I have come up with an endless stream of things I regret. They tend to fall into two categories: things I wish I had done differently and things I’m sad not to see him do. My wife is constantly reminding me of all the things he did do: Wiley went to 10 countries, drove a car on a farm road in Hawaii, hiked in Greece, snorkeled in Fiji, wore a suit to a fantastic British prep school every day for two years, got rescued from a shark on a jet ski, kissed multiple girls, got good enough at chess to beat me twice in a row, wrote short stories and drew comics obsessively.

And then he died in his bed overnight. The evening before was normal. Wiley was healthy and engaged. We had friends with kids over for dinner. We all jumped on the giant trampoline that had been the first purchase for the house we had bought just a few weeks ago.

That evening Wiley got be bossy with the other kids (other than his mother, he was one of the most opinionated people I know) and started telling everyone they were playing the game wrong. I pulled him aside. I was stern with him. Too stern in hindsight. And I made him cry. It’s one of the last interactions we had and I’ve beaten myself up for it a dozen times. I can still see the tears rolling down his face and the protestations of “But you’re not listening to me. No one listens to me”.

A few hours later, things had calmed down. We ordered take out and Wiley ate his favorite meal: rice with yellow dahl. Then we put the kids to bed. I had a very sweet interaction with Wiley at bedtime and apologized for making him cry. We had a good snuggle and I went to bed myself.

About 15 minutes later, I was laying in bed and through the darkened room saw his half nekkid form—always impossibly tall and lean for his age— walking up the stairs to our bedroom.

“Papa, I can’t sleep.”

There was loud music playing outside from a neighbor’s party and it was keeping him awake. I walked him back to his room and shut all the windows. He said that was better. We had another quick snuggle and a sweet exchange. Then I went to bed for good.

Around 5:40am, the next morning I woke up for a series of back to back meetings. I did a Peloton ride, took an analyst call from my home office, one with a colleague on the drive to work, then the rest at the office. None seem that important now. I left that morning without saying goodbye or checking on the boys.

Late that morning, Jessica had thought Wiley was simply sleeping in. He loved to sleep, he loved his bed, and it had been a big week of late bedtimes and fun daytime activities with visiting friends. Eventually she got the sense it had been too long and went in to check on him.

He was cold. The Medical Examiner later estimated he had been dead for at least 8-10 hours by the time she found him, indicating he passed early in the night.

Last year, Wiley was diagnosed with a typically mild form of epilepsy called Benign Rolandic Epilepsy that is most common in boys between 8-13. It’s called ‘benign’ because it typically resolves on its own by the teenage years. Wiley’s was light: we only saw a single confirmed seizure occur. It happened about 9 months ago while we were visiting Portland from the UK.

All of the multiple pediatricians and neurologists with whom we discussed his condition said there was little to be concerned about. He had the “best” type of epilepsy and we should let it run his course. None mentioned what ultimately k*lled him. SUDEP is shorthand for Sudden Unexplained death of Epilepsy. It’s rare enough that there is a philosophical debate in the neurology community about whether to proactively tell parents about it.

SUDEP is generally seen to be unpredictable, unpreventable, and irreversible once it starts. It can be tied to a seizure but many times the brain just shuts down. Statistically, it was highly unlikely to hit our son: 1 out of 4,500 children with epilepsy are affected. Sometimes you end up the statistic.

Many have asked what they can do to help. Hug your kids. Don’t work too late. A lot of the things you are likely spending your time on you’ll regret once you no longer have the time. I’m guessing you have 1:1 meetings on the books with a lot of people you work with. Do you have them regularly scheduled with your kids? If there’s any lesson to take away from this, it’s to remind others (and myself) not to miss out on the things that matter.

I haven’t gone back to work yet. So, if you’ve emailed or messaged me, it’s likely I haven’t replied. When I do go back, I may end up declaring an email bankruptcy.

The big question is how to return to work in a way that won’t leave me again with the regrets I have now. To be honest, I’ve considered not going back. But I believe in the words of Kahlil Gibran who said, “Work is love made visible.'' To me, that line is a testament to how much we gain, grow and offer through the work we do. But that work needs to have a balance that I have rarely lived. It’s a balance that lets us offer our gifts to the world but not at the cost of self and family.

While I sat writing this post, my living son, Oliver, came in to ask for screen time. Instead of saying the usual ‘no’, I stopped writing and asked if I could play with him. He was happily surprised by my answer and we connected in a way I would have formerly missed out on. Small things matter. One silver lining from this tragedy is the improving relationship I have with him.

Our family has gone from having two units of two (the parents and the twins) to now being a triangle of three. That’s a big adjustment for a family that has always been four. Oliver’s brilliant reply when we discussed the shape of our new family: “But Papa, the triangle is the strongest shape.” By some sad and beautiful irony, Oliver has met three sets of 8-year-old twins in our new neighborhood since Wiley passed.

I’ve learned to stop waiting to do the things the kids ask for. When we sold the business I gave each of the boys a $100 dollar bill. They decided to pool their money to buy a tent for camping. But we didn’t make it happen before Wiley died. Another regret. So, after the first round of family visits after his death, I took Jessica and Oliver to REI to get gear and we left town quickly to camp near Mt. St. Helens.

Somehow, we got to the wilderness without enough cash to cover the campground fee and had a slight panic. Jessica then realized that Wiley’s $100 bill was still in his seat pocket. He got to spend his money on camping after all. Collectively, the family said a big, “Thanks, buddy” out-loud to him. It was one of many bittersweet moments we will experience for the rest of our lives. Each happy time brings with it the sadness that he doesn’t get to experience it.

One of Wiley's happy times was listening to music and dancing. Damn, could that kid dance. He loved the Oregon Country Fair and the year before we left for London, we listened to a band there play a version of “Enjoy yourself (It’s later than you think)”. The words stuck with me that day three years ago and painfully so now:

“You work and work for years and years, you're always on the go

You never take a minute off, too busy makin' dough

Someday, you say, you'll have your fun, when you're a millionaire

Imagine all the fun you'll have in your old rockin' chair

Enjoy yourself, it's later than you think

Enjoy yourself, while you're still in the pink

The years go by, as quickly as a wink

Enjoy yourself, enjoy yourself, it's later than you think”

As my wife writes in her beautiful post (she’s always more eloquent than I am), All That Remains, “Please ask us about our son’s life and his death. We heal in small bits while talking about it.”

Out of these ashes have come many new and restored connections. Thank you for being one of mine. And I hope from this tragedy you consider how you prioritize your own time.

visit this link https://www.linkedin.com/ .. -j-r-storment/
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 1 week ago '19        #2
unit321  75 heat pts75
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 mr_underground said
.... After an hour of waiting in shock out front, I told the armed police officers guarding the doors that I couldn’t wait any longer.
...
Cops are always armed.

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 1 week ago '17        #3
LazyLeg 
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If this is recent then it really hasn't sunk in yet at that point you're still numb and just going through the motions but maybe having another kid will make it easier. It'd be like a year or so later after my dad or a friend died and something happens or I'm watching something and even though they've been dead for a min I'd think "I need to call my dad(or friend) and tell him this" and for a split second your happy then reality sets in and you're back dealing with them being gone

I felt sorry for the cop that had to sit in my house waiting for them to take my dad's body out because he was obviously a rookie or close to it and my mom is sitting with one of her friends losing her sh*t and I'm sitting there staring at the wall starting to k*ll a fifth of jack and he has to awkwardly sit there in the middle of it during the worst day of people's lives and soak it in
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 1 week ago '08        #4
moneybucket 
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Wtf is this
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 1 week ago '15        #5
DamianDragunov 
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Just sad... don’t take your time with your family, especially your kids, lightly. Just your presence means the world to them.












Even if they some Lil a*shles at times.


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 1 week ago '07        #6
CrazyNDaLasDayz  551 heat pts551
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Crazy cuz I know a woman who just lost her son less than a week ago to an epileptic seizure that occurred during the night.. sh*t is crazy.
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 1 week ago '06        #7
Qbert  25 heat pts25
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 LazyLeg said
If this is recent then it really hasn't sunk in yet at that point you're still numb and just going through the motions but maybe having another kid will make it easier. It'd be like a year or so later after my dad or a friend died and something happens or I'm watching something and even though they've been dead for a min I'd think "I need to call my dad(or friend) and tell him this" and for a split second your happy then reality sets in and you're back dealing with them being gone

I felt sorry for the cop that had to sit in my house waiting for them to take my dad's body out because he was obviously a rookie or close to it and my mom is sitting with one of her friends losing her sh*t and I'm sitting there staring at the wall starting to k*ll a fifth of jack and he has to awkwardly sit there in the middle of it during the worst day of people's lives and soak it in
This is good information. Until recently I been feeling the same. Obsessed with work and climbing the ranks. Something in me has scaled back and has made me realize that I am replaceable at work. Managers will make you feel special as long as it suits their interests. You got to pay attention to the details of the things that matter there is nothing worse than realizing sh*t after it's too late. Weather it's dating, family or whatever.

I'm glad God put me in situation to really reflect on what's important and keep that close to me. A lot of clutter has been cut out of my life and got rid of things that do not matter, especially people who are just there for the ride. You fall off they laugh at you, get back on and they want a hand out.

I spoke on this before on how my grandfather dealt with death, he was content and said "we only have a few years left", I think he was able to say that because he lived his life correctly to his best abilities.

Grandmother on the other hand still wants to be in the limelight and the attention on her. She will deliberately concoct situations to see if your reactions is the way she thinks it should be. You got to come to terms with yourself and your own mortality, cause after you're gone life goes on. I just get tired of trying to be groomed to treat certain family members as gods, when I have a kid to take care of and my own sh*t to deal with.

Almost as if I should take care of their needs before my own 5 year olds. That narcissism is really some sort of developmental delay, that's why people become sh*tty adults and parents, still thinking it's about them when there is others they are supposed to be molding and building up into better people.

I see that sh*t all the time, from family to my kids mom. Got to realize the reason you're even working is supposed to be to provide for your family. So don't get bogged down by the details and keep the bigger picture in mind.
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 1 week ago '06        #8
detroitdipset  1 heat pts1
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 Qbert said
This is good information. Until recently I been feeling the same. Obsessed with work and climbing the ranks. Something in me has scaled back and has made me realize that I am replaceable at work. Managers will make you feel special as long as it suits their interests. You got to pay attention to the details of the things that matter there is nothing worse than realizing sh*t after it's too late. Weather it's dating, family or whatever.

I'm glad God put me in situation to really reflect on what's important and keep that close to me. A lot of clutter has been cut out of my life and got rid of things that do not matter, especially people who are just there for the ride. You fall off they laugh at you, get back on and they want a hand out.

I spoke on this before on how my grandfather dealt with death, he was content and said "we only have a few years left", I think he was able to say that because he lived his life correctly to his best abilities.

Grandmother on the other hand still wants to be in the limelight and the attention on her. She will deliberately concoct situations to see if your reactions is the way she thinks it should be. You got to come to terms with yourself and your own mortality, cause after you're gone life goes on. I just get tired of trying to be groomed to treat certain family members as gods, when I have a kid to take care of and my own sh*t to deal with.

Almost as if I should take care of their needs before my own 5 year olds. That narcissism is really some sort of developmental delay, that's why people become sh*tty adults and parents, still thinking it's about them when there is others they are supposed to be molding and building up into better people.

I see that sh*t all the time, from family to my kids mom. Got to realize the reason you're even working is supposed to be to provide for your family. So don't get bogged down by the details and keep the bigger picture in mind.
Facts bro... The realest family bond should be between the family you created. I am very close with my family and have always adopted the mantra "family first" but the family you created wasn't here before you and all they know is you.

You're in charge of molding them into great adults as well as providing for them...doesn't leave much time for pacifying older family members.

They should get it and if not i would respectfully ignore their neediness and give them just enough attention as family but not catering to them.
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 1 week ago '06        #9
Qbert  25 heat pts25
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 detroitdipset said
Facts bro... The realest family bond should be between the family you created. I am very close with my family and have always adopted the mantra "family first" but the family you created wasn't here before you and all they know is you.

You're in charge of molding them into great adults as well as providing for them...doesn't leave much time for pacifying older family members.

They should get it and if not i would respectfully ignore their neediness and give them just enough attention as family but not catering to them.
Agreed.

This is a gem, almost like you got to move away to the point nobody can meddle.
+8   

 1 week ago '11        #10
Smuggz 
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All I know is that I'm not ready for anyone close to me to pass
I'm finally sober and making amends and making up for lost time.
I also haven't lost anyone since Gramz 22 years ago so our fams had a nice run.
I know God's callin you tho Gramps. You ain't tryna live like this anyway
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 7 days ago '19        #11
Big Tymerz  topics gone triple plat - Number 1 spot x2
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 7 days ago '10        #12
catch22  18 heat pts18
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Didn’t read all of it, but the death of a child is something I hope to never experience.

That being said, I’m not sure what’s the point of a “workaholic” qualifier. Your child had an illness, but you all seemed like y’all spent time together (building whatever fake business he wanted and traveling). Plus you lived 12 minutes from work.

Take the time to grieve and then remember the good times. No need to concoct reasons to blame yourself


Last edited by catch22; 09-11-2019 at 05:47 PM..
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 7 days ago '13        #13
pizzolini  2 heat pts2
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I honestly couldn’t read much of that. Earlier this year, I quit my job because I realized I worked too much and missed out on my kids life. Work life was too stressed putting in 80 hours in a single week. Long story short - A month ago, I was ready to return to work but somewhere else. A wilm’s tumor was discovered on my 4 year old’s kidney. It flattened his left kidney from the fast growing stage 3 tumor that ruptured before his surgery.
Quitting my job was the best decision I made in a long time. My baby boy just finished his radiation treatments but has a lot chemotherapy to complete. I haven’t left his side since we found out. Things are looking good except the long term risk of radiation and the chemo sickness which is ruining his appetite and thirst. We are in a hospital right with a feeding tube and my kid is a champ. This is my first mentioning this publicly and only told my siblings.
+126   

 7 days ago '04        #14
Grisly  39 heat pts39
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damn that's a fu*ked up situation right there

epilepsy is some real crazy sh*t
+4   

 7 days ago '04        #15
Grisly  39 heat pts39
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 pizzolini said
I honestly couldn’t read much of that. Earlier this year, I quit my job because I realized I worked too much and missed out on my kids life. Work life was too stressed putting in 80 hours in a single week. Long story short - A month ago, I was ready to return to work but somewhere else. A wilm’s tumor was discovered on my 4 year old’s kidney. It flattened his left kidney from the fast growing stage 3 tumor that ruptured before his surgery.
Quitting my job was the best decision I made in a long time. My baby boy just finished his radiation treatments but has a lot chemotherapy to complete. I haven’t left his side since we found out. Things are looking good except the long term risk of radiation and the chemo sickness which is ruining his appetite and thirst. We are in a hospital right with a feeding tube and my kid is a champ. This is my first mentioning this publicly and only told my siblings.
damn sorry to hear that brother i wish you the best for you and your family with that whole situation

what state you located in? do they have any sort of medical marijuana program?
maybe getting a tincture for him to take in some liquid or directly into his mouth could be helpful with restoring appetite and repairing the body from chemo damage
+14   

 7 days ago '08        #16
AC_89  topics gone triple plat - Number 1 spot x1
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I don’t have a child but I try to spend as much time with my immediate family as I can even take some days off from work just so we can have some time together
+3   

 7 days ago '11        #17
lefthookright  64 heat pts64
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 pizzolini said
I honestly couldn’t read much of that. Earlier this year, I quit my job because I realized I worked too much and missed out on my kids life. Work life was too stressed putting in 80 hours in a single week. Long story short - A month ago, I was ready to return to work but somewhere else. A wilm’s tumor was discovered on my 4 year old’s kidney. It flattened his left kidney from the fast growing stage 3 tumor that ruptured before his surgery.
Quitting my job was the best decision I made in a long time. My baby boy just finished his radiation treatments but has a lot chemotherapy to complete. I haven’t left his side since we found out. Things are looking good except the long term risk of radiation and the chemo sickness which is ruining his appetite and thirst. We are in a hospital right with a feeding tube and my kid is a champ. This is my first mentioning this publicly and only told my siblings.
Hang in there and stay strong for him!!
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 7 days ago '16        #18
Aztlan  142 heat pts142
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 pizzolini said
I honestly couldn’t read much of that. Earlier this year, I quit my job because I realized I worked too much and missed out on my kids life. Work life was too stressed putting in 80 hours in a single week. Long story short - A month ago, I was ready to return to work but somewhere else. A wilm’s tumor was discovered on my 4 year old’s kidney. It flattened his left kidney from the fast growing stage 3 tumor that ruptured before his surgery.
Quitting my job was the best decision I made in a long time. My baby boy just finished his radiation treatments but has a lot chemotherapy to complete. I haven’t left his side since we found out. Things are looking good except the long term risk of radiation and the chemo sickness which is ruining his appetite and thirst. We are in a hospital right with a feeding tube and my kid is a champ. This is my first mentioning this publicly and only told my siblings.
Good luck to your son. Remain strong.
+11   

 7 days ago '16        #19
Aztlan  142 heat pts142
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My son turned 5 months today.

I haven't stayed after school to do work at all this year. I rush home every day.

This story really hit the soft spot
+27   

 7 days ago '13        #20
pizzolini  2 heat pts2
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 Grisly said
damn sorry to hear that brother i wish you the best for you and your family with that whole situation

what state you located in? do they have any sort of medical marijuana program?
maybe getting a tincture for him to take in some liquid or directly into his mouth could be helpful with restoring appetite and repairing the body from chemo damage
I appreciate you and your concern I really do. I’m in Milwaukee, WI and we don’t have any medical marijuana program here yet. My boy is stubborn and will f*ght anyone trying to give him medicine. Everyone here says my 4 year old boy looks and acts like he’s 6 or 7, from height to his mannerism. Today the feeding tube was put in for nutrition and medicine. He lost 20 lbs in a month but things will get better.
+12   

 7 days ago '19        #21
SuperPawgHunter  26 heat pts26
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I feel duke, but money over everything, Beloveds.

People may let you down, but money ain't let me down yet.

I
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 7 days ago '08        #22
yungsavage05 
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sh*t sad. Rip
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 7 days ago '13        #23
pizzolini  2 heat pts2
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@ @ yo thanks guys, things will get better. This last month was tough and they say the Chemo is tough during first month and kids take it better than adults. I knew nothing about cancer before this.
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 7 days ago '15        #24
TheTrollPole  3 heat pts3
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You know what...thanks, This post gave me a few things to think about.
+6   

 7 days ago '13        #25
North!!!  456 heat pts456
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 pizzolini said
I honestly couldn’t read much of that. Earlier this year, I quit my job because I realized I worked too much and missed out on my kids life. Work life was too stressed putting in 80 hours in a single week. Long story short - A month ago, I was ready to return to work but somewhere else. A wilm’s tumor was discovered on my 4 year old’s kidney. It flattened his left kidney from the fast growing stage 3 tumor that ruptured before his surgery.
Quitting my job was the best decision I made in a long time. My baby boy just finished his radiation treatments but has a lot chemotherapy to complete. I haven’t left his side since we found out. Things are looking good except the long term risk of radiation and the chemo sickness which is ruining his appetite and thirst. We are in a hospital right with a feeding tube and my kid is a champ. This is my first mentioning this publicly and only told my siblings.
yea man right decision

quality time with your loved ones making less >>>>>>>>>>>> working all the time making more $$$ never seeing them

I quit my job at the postal service to go into real estate full time

haven't made no money yet lol

I still live with my parents and living off my savings

but love the decision get to spend more time with my family and don't feel like I'm working solely for an employer's benefit

also they was saying I had too high of a blood pressure for my age; this was last year when I was 25

if y'all can don't work overnight sh*t more likely to become sickly that way... we're made to wake up and go to sleep with the sun

spend so much time with my family it's worth it
+17   



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