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DaOmega_1 (unfortunately) reviews "Hellboy"


 


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 2 weeks ago '05        #1
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DaOmega_1 295 heat pts295
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DaOmega_1 (unfortunately) reviews "Hellboy"
 

 
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"Hellboy" is a soul-deadening disaster... One that gets more pathetic as it goes on, to the point that one actively begins to pity the film by the time we hit its ultra-gruesome third act. For me, I think what makes this film so uniquely unlikeable is its cringey attempts to be edgy. It wears its R rating on its sleeve, letting F-bombs and gore fly liberally. It forgets, however, to attach these things to anything resembling “fun”. In fact, I was struck by just how not-fun this movie is… at least, not in the way the filmmakers intended.

Because, the film, one thinks, could be enjoyed on a “so bad its good” type of basis. The story is boring, the acting is sh*t, the characters are awful, the visuals are fugly garbage, and the editing mangles an already a sh*tty movie into an actively pitiful one. Honestly, I’m almost impressed, in a way, that “Hellboy” somehow manages to find a way to do everything poorly. I say “almost”, because this film is a joyless chore.

There’s a varying degree of factors that play into this… First being our “Hellboy”, played by David Harbour. He brings charisma and gusto to the role, which is immediately wasted by the writing. Half of his dialogue is exposition, the other half is profanity-laced quippy nonsense. Never mind the fact that this film doesn’t give us a real reason to root for this Hellboy, since he gets his a*s kicked throughout most of the movie, only to be saved at the last second by [insert plot contrivance here]. This can apply to most of our main characters… They’re ALL limply written and acted even worse. But, Hellboy gets the worst of it.

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“Hellboy” should be a badass. He doesn’t feel like one, yet the film plays like he is. This is a thing that applies to the entire film tonally. We’re seeing things that should be awesome, but aren’t. I think this is due to an inconsistent tone, one that wants to be like a Marvel film, but also seems to be going for a Deadpool style irreverence, while also leaning into dark gothic fantasy horror. The only problem is that, unlike “Deadpool” or its sequel, there’s nothing solid or concrete to support it. Literally, there’s nothing. It’s like opening a gift to find confetti and nothing else. This film is all window dressing (profanity, gore, quippy jokes, etc.), yet lacks anything solid (story, plot, characters, etc.) to hang any of it on to. It’s a movie that doesn’t feel like a human made it.

Right down to certain lines of dialogue, this feels like it was cooked up by a boardroom of producers and executives rather than the eye of a director. This films lacks a true voice… Instead, its frankenstein’d together with spare parts of other better movies. So, even the parts that should be objectively cool aren’t due to us experiencing them dozens of times. It’s an irritating viewing experience trying to find something… ANYTHING to connect with, and coming up empty.

But “LEWIS”, you might be asking, “WHAT IF I ONLY WANNA GO SEE BLOODY ACTION AND sh*t?! NOT EVERYTHING NEEDS TO BE AN OSCAR MOVIE!”

Well, I’d counter by saying that the action is sh*tty too. First off, it looks really bad. The visual effects range from PS3 quality to PS2 quality. These visuals need to be seen to be believed. There’s this ridiculous sequence that takes place in London, which is one of the bloodiest and ugliest things I’ve seen in years. Some demons rise, and k*ll a ton of people in cartoonishly gruesome ways… Ways that are too laughable to be disturbing, yet too cruel and sadistic to be fun. This film is confused.

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This extends to the cinematography, and overall style of how violence is depicted. It’s real bloody, but lacks any real punch to it. You see lots of gory sh*t, but don’t feel it. In this sense, it reminds me of the “Underworld” movies… Those films, like this one, have soulless action that elicits NO emotion whatsoever except boredom, contempt, and annoyance that one could be doing something else with their time. At a certain point, I actually started to feel sorry for the film… It’s throwing lots of sh*t at the wall, and absolutely NONE of it sticks.

“But, how does it compare to Guillermo Del Toro’s Hellboy films?”, you might ask. The answer: it doesn’t. Whereas those films feel like they had an original voice to them, this feels aggressively cynical in a way I find personally offensive and gross. And, that’s really my beef… It’s not the gore, or the profanity, or the quippy jokes, or whatever… I could get with all of it if the film felt like it came from people who cared about the movie they were making. I don’t feel that here. I feel a movie that limps to the finish line with barely one-dimensional characters, basic dictionary-english storytelling, laughably incompetent visuals, and absolute cynicism that oozes through every frame of this thing.

I hate this movie. Actually, I hesitate to even call it a movie. This is a computer algorithm masquerading as entertainment… One that some rich a**hole is hoping and praying like hell that you’re stupid enough to go see. Well, you know what? Don’t. Don’t see this movie. Don’t pay to see it. Don’t sneak in. Don’t rent it. Don’t even pirate or torrent it. It’s a waste of time not worth the blu-ray/dvd it should’ve went directly to.

Life is too short to waste it on sh*t like this. Avoid it.
+6   

37 comments for "DaOmega_1 (unfortunately) reviews "Hellboy""

 2 weeks ago '15        #2
Majestoso 31 heat pts31
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Everybody knew this would be trash

 2 weeks ago '05        #3
A~team 2 heat pts
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It's time to make a sequel to golden army

Dumbassess should of continued from where they started.
+9   

 2 weeks ago '05        #4
DaOmega_1 295 heat pts295 OP
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 A~team said
It's time to make a sequel to golden army

Dumbassess should of continued from where they started.
Honestly, the damage has been done. It's a big ol' bomb, and no studio is gonna want to even try it again.
+2   

 2 weeks ago '05        #5
P DRILLA 116 heat pts116
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had high hopes for this until the trailer
+2   

 2 weeks ago '05        #6
DaOmega_1 295 heat pts295 OP
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 P DRILLA said
had high hopes for this until the trailer
I heard tons of sh*t about the production from people I know who worked on it... Sounds like it was a mess from script to screen.

My expectations were pretty low, but I didn't expect it to be this bad.
+1   

 2 weeks ago '17        #7
Almighty HA 
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Bro, I'm sorry you even sat thru this sh*t...Del Toro's vision/world of Hellboy was very dope. Why they didn't continue that world blows my mind. The casting of the original films was so on point too. Nobody wants to see Stranger Things Cop and some other no names. The trailer and CGI looked like sh*t.

Hollywood and the music industry is done. The streets too lol.
+2   

 2 weeks ago '11        #8
CALViiiN 750 heat pts750
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@ did you watch this, bi*ch?
-1   

 2 weeks ago '12        #9
AlBooBoo 18 heat pts18
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 CALViiiN said
@ did you watch this, bi*ch?
Not yet bro
+1   

 2 weeks ago '04        #10
NAKHI ALLAH 1 heat pts
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Welp thanks Omega saved me some time....


I knew it.....
+1   

 2 weeks ago '09        #11
WezLFaCe_KiD 59 heat pts59
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5/10

Wasn’t that horrible . But bad , semi entertaining tho with action, and humor of bad dialogue .

He’ll boy him self was ok and his dad too . Some of monster designs were cool
Too


Dialogue was sh*tty ugly ugi . I enjoyed giant f*ght tho
+1   

 2 weeks ago '14        #12
strungout 403 heat pts403
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one of the worse movies i ever seen....

cat woman ranks higher
-1   

 2 weeks ago '05        #13
DaOmega_1 295 heat pts295 OP
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 strungout said
one of the worse movies i ever seen....

cat woman ranks higher
I'd argue that Catwoman is a more enjoyable bad movie. I didn't come out of that one pissed off, but I sure as hell did here.

 2 weeks ago '13        #14
SimpinAintEz 
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I called this film being garbage when I saw Mila Jovovich attached.
+1   

 2 weeks ago '05        #15
DaOmega_1 295 heat pts295 OP
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 SimpinAintEz said
I called this film being garbage when I saw Mila Jovovich attached.
She's honestly one of the better things about it...

Let that sink in.

 2 weeks ago '07        #16
Jayceon 512 heat pts512
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 DaOmega_1 said
She's honestly one of the better things about it...

Let that sink in.
The fu*k she is

 1 week ago '17        #17
SPdaGOAT 21 heat pts21
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OP want to pick and choose when to defend these sh*tty comic book movies
-1   

 1 week ago '16        #18
JustVibe 7 heat pts
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 Almighty HA said
Bro, I'm sorry you even sat thru this sh*t...Del Toro's vision/world of Hellboy was very dope. Why they didn't continue that world blows my mind. The casting of the original films was so on point too. Nobody wants to see Stranger Things Cop and some other no names. The trailer and CGI looked like sh*t.

Hollywood and the music industry is done. The streets too lol.

Bra I walked smooth out , 45 mins in . Movie was so fu*king trash . And the previous actor that played this role , was made for it idk why they fu*ked it up
+1   

 1 week ago '05        #19
DaOmega_1 295 heat pts295 OP
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 SPdaGOAT said
OP want to pick and choose when to defend these sh*tty comic book movies


Yes, because everyone here knows how much I love comic book movies... Must be why I very rarely review them.

 1 week ago '17        #20
SPdaGOAT 21 heat pts21
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 DaOmega_1 said


Yes, because everyone here knows how much I love comic book movies... Must be why I very rarely review them.
So you put your cape on for Captain Marvel and Endgame the other day for no reason. Makes sense

 1 week ago '19        #21
Supreme Doom 
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Im a comic amd graphic novel fan

Im a fan of the 1st 1. It was a. Classic anf the best set up for a sequel ive seen from a movie like that in a long time.

All they had to do was expand on the prohecy. Im not sure who wanted greatness from this new direction. But it was doomed...unless they built on the 1st 1. Leading into the 2nd one...was all about tje prohecy. What Hellboy was willing to do to save his girl. He chose...

Now this 1 should have been about that. Only that. No timeline continuity. No group of Abe n the other chic. No point of it being HellBoy.

Yet anothet...ANOTHER reason directors n writers amd whover greenlights these things are stupif af. The actor who signed on is stupid af for not reading the script.

The Hellboy series was a gift. Wasnt really supposed to happen. Because standards of the weak minded public shift. Like how all of a sudden they looking for Box office smash with this instead of being honest and go for a specific audience.

Smfh... Something so gawd damn essy becomes hard. Because of egos and weird af creative handicaps these producerd n writerd have.

How does HellBoy bring the end of the World??? What the F is he doing in hell??? Why the F is he in Hell when he does everything to avoid going there?

 1 week ago '05        #22
DaOmega_1 295 heat pts295 OP
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 SPdaGOAT said
So you put your cape on for Captain Marvel and Endgame the other day for no reason. Makes sense
n*gga, wut?

I didn't even like Captain Marvel, and ended up giving it a middling mediocre review. I thought Shazam was a better movie.

The last time I posted about Endgame was in a thread that foolishly proclaims that Infinity War was the first movie to feature the villain winning, and pointing out how ridiculous it is to believe that.

You got the wrong one, homie. I don't care about these comic book movies. If they're good, they're good. If they're not, they're not. Simple as that.
+1   

 1 week ago '17        #23
SPdaGOAT 21 heat pts21
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 DaOmega_1 said
n*gga, wut?

I didn't even like Captain Marvel, and ended up giving it a middling mediocre review. I thought Shazam was a better movie.

The last time I posted about Endgame was in a thread that foolishly proclaims that Infinity War was the first movie to feature the villain winning, and pointing out how ridiculous it is to believe that.

You got the wrong one, homie. I don't care about these comic book movies. If they're good, they're good. If they're not, they're not. Simple as that.
Lol ok bro. Ima just stop engaging with most folks on here, either yall be forgetting the sh*t you said cause you dont mean it or yall just be lying to save face for whatever reason. I dont care either way

 1 week ago '05        #24
DaOmega_1 295 heat pts295 OP
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 SPdaGOAT said
Lol ok bro. Ima just stop engaging with most folks on here, either yall be forgetting the sh*t you said cause you dont mean it or yall just be lying to save face for whatever reason. I dont care either way


Can you please point out, specifically, what I said?

Go ahead, I'll wait.

 1 week ago '15        #25
Good Guy Ry 24 heat pts24
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I watched a review where they said Hellboy was just a magical Arnold Schwarzenegger.

sh*t had me dying.

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